djmorton - SLA Industries

Bugger me ah git awa' wi' it!
Chapter Seventeen o' th' Kurgen's journal

Ah mist hae a guardain angel or something fur ah thought ah wis a deid jimmy 'n' noo a'm a pumpin' hero! Follaein oan fae lest time we wur interviewed by Channel 50 speirins aboot th' messages centre massacre 'n' efter discovered that Jason Bannister hud bin fired ower th' Biokicks campaign debacle. Subsequently th' BPN wis cancelled 'n' we didn't git pais th' 2000cr. Pity as ah knew Felicity hud her yak oan some crakin', shiny freish armour brassic lassie! Ah knew some o' th' group suspected me fur th' carrion attack oan th' centre 'n' a BPN wis issued tae investigate they responsible, sweaty clenched arsehole time! Felicity teuk tae it lik' a dug tae a juicy bane 'n' ah knew she wouldn't let gang 'til she haes her answers 'n' th' 300cr fur th' BPN, whit a fud! th' rest o' Deadzone seemed fairly ambivalent aboot it a'.

I must have a guardian angel or something for I thought I as a dead man but no, I am a local hero! Following on from last time, we were interviewed by Chanel 50 News about the shopping centre massacre and afterwards I discovered that Jason Bannister had been fired over the Biokicks debacle. Subsequently the BPN was cancelled and we did not get paid the 2000cr. Pity as I knew Felicity had her eye on some great, shiny new armour, poor girl! I knew some of the group suspected me for the carion attack on the centre and a BPN was issued to investigate who was responsible, sweaty clenched buttocks time! Felicity took to it like a dog to a juicy bone, and I knew she would not let go until she had her answers and the 300cr for the BPN, what a *** expletive ***! The rest of Dead Zone seemed fairly ambivalent about it.

Ah gaed alang wi' th' charade trying tae keek non-plussed bit ah knew ah wis ainlie a cunts locks awa' fae bein' shot. Th' foremaist thing we did wis tae check oot th' security camera footage at th' time o' th' carrion break-in in th' basement th' nicht afore. Larry Anderson wis thare alang wi' a tae o' his loser lackeys. Fortunately th' equipment thay wur usin` wis pumpin' jobby 'n' th' images grainy sae ah hud dreems. Yolo began gaun ower th' footage 'n' tae his surprise discovered that it hud bin tampered wi' though he didnae let oan at wance. Duke felt sure that th' perpetrator worked at th' centre or kin hae bin recently fired 'n' held a grudge whilst Felicity gaed tae check wi' th' shaps that sold power tools. If she git tae claise tae th' truth ah micht hae tae tak' her sorry wee boost. Bit mah luck held oot 'n' thare wur sae mony shaps tae cover she gave up.

I went along with the charade, trying to look unconcerned about it, but I knew a was very close to being shot. The first thing we did was to check out the security camera footage at the time of the carion break in in the basement the night before. Larry Anderson was there along with two of his employees. Fortunately the equipment they were using was bad and the images grainy so I had hopes. Yolo began going over the footage and to his surprise discovered it had been tampered with, though he did not let on at once. Duke felt sure that the perpetrator worked at the centre or could have been recently fired and held a grudge, while Felicity went to check the shops that sold power tools. If she got too close to the truth I might have to take her sorry little head off. But my luck held out and there many shops so she gave up.

Noo this is whaur hings git fucked up: Yolo gaed up tae Larry's affice 'n' shawed him th' video footage he'd fun then shoved a psychic blade made oot o' ice thro' hsi heid, then made it keek lik' he'd taken a shot at him foremaist. Stupidly he used a caff gun whilk wid hae hud na chance o' penetrating Yolo's armour, dumb pumpin' alien! Yolo summoned th' rest o' Deadzone tae Anderson’s affice 'n' explained whit hud "happened", suffice tae say ah wis weel 'n' truly gobsmacked! whit th' bugger hud happened 'ere? bit if it git me aff th' hook, stoatin! Duke thought it wid be a guid idea tae ca' this intae SLA HQ 'n' whilst thay seemed reticent tae accept th' facts at foremaist thay acquiesed in th' end, mynd ye Duke a'maist fucked it up fur me by saying that they'd seen me buying a power cutter th' day afore 'n' howfur ah wis bein' "framed", juist clam up fur fucks sake!

Now this is where things got messed up. Yolo went up to Larry's office and showed him the video footage he had found then shoved a psychic blade made out of ice through his head, then made it look like Larry taken a shot at him first. Stupidly Larry "had used" a CAF gun which had no chance of penetrating Yolo's armour, dumb alien! Yolo summoned the rest of Dead Zone to Anderson's office and explained what had "happened", suffice to say I was speechless! What had happened here? But if it got me off the hook, great! Duke thought it would be a good idea to call this into SLA HQ and while they seemed reluctant to accept the facts at first, they acquiesed in the end. Mind you, Duke almost ruined it for me by saying that they had seen me buying a power cutter the day before and how I was being "framed", just shut up *** expletive ***!

Ah shuid mention at this point that Felicity hud up tae this point hud a corn cob up her bahookie aboot chasing doon th' till receipts at th' various hardware stores in th' centre. Ah "volunteered" tae check thaim oot 'n' git thare foremaist thing th' morns mornin' tae destroy th' cum stain o' mah purchase whilk wis oan th' stores data slug. Ah hud tae quickly swap it oot fur a blank yin 'n' ainlie did it by th' skin o' mah wallies. Sae SLA wur happy 'n' th' BPN intae th' centre massacre wis closed 'n' ah cuid breathe a sigh o' relief, ah hud come wi`in a gnats whisker o' bein' splattered, something a'm sure Felicity wid hae loved.

I should mention at this point that Felicity had up to this point been fanatical about chasing down the till recipts at the various hardware stores in the centre. I "volunteered" to check them out, and got there first thing in the morning to destroy the evidence of my purchase which was on the stores data slug. I had to quickly swap it out for a blank one and only did it my the skin of my teeth. So SLA were happy, the BPN into the centre massacre was closed, and I could breathe a sigh of relief. I had come within a gnats whisker of being splattered, something I am sure Felicity would have loved.

Ah thought it wid eb a guid idea tae retire tae "The Pit" fur some drinks 'n' blaw aff some steam sae aff we gaed. Mah bike wis aye missing (fucking gangbanger scum bags!) sae ah caught th' train 'n' met up withy a'body thare. Mah guidwife wis thare 'n' she ferr delicately suggested that we hae a quick bugger in th' toilets, och shes a real charmer that yin! efter a'd shot mah spunk up her snatch we met up wi' Tony Fury wha seemed tae hae gotten ower th' unfortunate "Glacier" incident (about pumpin' time!) Jalouse whit? he hud a freish BPN fur us, wid it involve mindless slaughter or breath stopping action?, o' coorse nae, 'twas anither o' his "discretion required" bollocks. If thare is a god please strike doon this sorry motherfucker.

I thought it would be a good idea to retire to The Pit for some drinks and blow off some steam, so off we went. My bike was still missing (*** expletive *** gang member scub bags!) so I caught the train and met up with everybody there. My wife was there and she quite delecately suggested that we went to the toilets for sex, oh she is a real charmer that one! Afterwards we met up with Tony Fury who seemed to have got over the unfortunate Glacier incident (about time). Guess what? He had a fresh BPN for us, would it involve mindless slaughter or breath stopping action? Of course not, it was another of his "discretion required" rubbish. If there is a god please strike me down.

Anyway oor contact wis a Mr Hodges wha believed Mirk Nicht operatives kin hae infiltrated a Karma lab. He hud twa suspects: Dr Wendle something-or-other 'n' a Dr Alice (good name that!) Hughes. Oor mission wis tae git intae th' labs 'n' search fur speirins concerning a project codenamed "Drayton". We wur tae root oot th' traitors 'n' terminate thaim 'n' thair immediate families, sae na solid feelin`s thare then!, Och 'n' we wur tae trash a' th' data oan th' "Drayton" project. Piece o' cake bit then thir's aye a catch isnae thare 'n' 'twas bound tae involve th' entertainment industry 'n' lairge homosexuals wasn't it? Hodges hud th' brillant idea o' usin` th' cover o' a shitty telly shaw tae git us intae th' Karma labs. A shaw cried "it's a Barry Slice" starring Clarisa wis filming thare. Th' shows premise wis that she played a character cried katlyn Pryce wha hud th' alter ego o' "Medusa", some doolally psycho boot, soonds a lot lik' mah guidwife! As Medusa she's a super vain boot that steals offense tae ony compliment then proceeds tae murdurr then cut aff th' body pairt corresponding tae whit th' body said in th' foremaist steid, soonds wey tae complicated if ye ask me. Gimme Gorezone ony day!

Anyway our contact was a Mr Hodges who believed Dark Night operatives had infiltrated a karma lab. He had two suspects, Dr Wendle something or other, and a Dr Alice (good name that!) Hughes. Our mission was to get into the labs and search for information concerning a project called Drayton. We were to root out the traitors and terminate them and their immediate families, so no hard feelings there then! Oh and we were to erase the data on the Drayton project. Easy, but then there is always a catch isn't there, and was bound to involve the entertainment industry and many homosexuals, wasn't it? Hodges had the brilliant idea of using the cover of a bad TV show to get us into the karma labs. A show called "It's a Barry Slice" starring Clarissa was filming there. The shows premise was that she played a character called Katlyn Price who had an alter ego of "Medusa", some crazy psycho bitch, sounds a lot like my wife! As Medusa she is a super vain bitch that takes offence to any compliment then proceeds to kill and then cut off the body part corresponding to what the person said in the first place, sounds way too complicated if you ask me. Give me Gorezone any day!

Sae we wur given cover stories that we wur "extras" oan th' set employed by thair heid o' security: "Brandon Presta". Then th' moment a'd bin dreading arrived, th' guider o' this piece o' jobby turned up 'n' whin he wis Duke a'maist cam ower his coupon oan th' plook. Pumpin' queers aw weys! 'n' o' coorse he gaed oan 'n' oan aboot whit a stoatin guider he wis 'n' howfur stoatin th' telly shaw wis - delusional twat. Sae he says tae me that Yolo 'n' ah wull be playing thugs wha caw up oan a bike tae threaten th' leadin` lassie wha then proceeds tae beat th' jobby oot o' us, pure? That's lik' asking Felicity tae speil a frother! He tells me tae take the motor up oan thair stunt bike 'n' execute a power skiite ootdoors th' set fur dramatic effect. A'm huvin none o' this o' coorse 'n' decide tae crash th' bike intae a nearby dyke fur dramatic effect instead, see howfur he likes that! Ah dinnae tell Yolo o' coorse as ah figure it'll be a crakin' surprise fur him, haw haw haw! Sae, oan que, ah gun thair underpowered crappy bike 'n' heid fur th' dyke. At this point Yolo mist hae cottoned oan as tae whit ah wis up tae 'n' jumps aff goin awa me tae crash thro' th' set oan mah ain. At least ah managed tae chap ower twa actors sae it wasn't a tot failure.

So we were given cover stories that we were extras on the set, employed by their head of security, Brandon Presta. Then the moment I had been dreading arrived, the director of the show arrived and Duke took an instant like to him. Queers everywhere! And of course he went on and on about what a great director he was and how great the TV show was - delusional twat. So he says to me that Yolo and I will be playing thugs who turn up on bikes to threaten the leading lady who then proceeds to beat the crap out of us, really? That is like asking Felicity to play a frother! He tells me to take the stunt bike and execute a power skid outside the set for dramatic effect. I am having none of this of course and decide to crash the bike into a nearby wall for dramatic effect instead, see how he likes that! I did not tell Yolo of course as I figure it will be a great surprise for him, ha ha ha! So on que, I accelerate their underpowered crappy bike and head for the wall. At this point Yolo must have realised as to what I was up to and jumped off, leaving me to crash through the set on my own. At least I managed to knock over two actors so it was not a total failure.

'ere endeth th' lessons pencil dicks!