djmorton - SLA Industries

Mah pumpin' journal pairt fourteen

We'd heard that th' socialite Kit Krawley cuid be fun at th' ultra-fashionable dancin "La Forsu" sae ah stopped by a newstand tae buy a magazine oan her lifestyle 'n' a copy o' th' freish album by "Entrophy", then caught th' train tae th' dancin. Th' dancin wis at th' tap o' a twa hundred foot lanky tower 'n' as ah wis aye it mah best claes ah wis allowed in alang wi' Uralie. Th' bouncers stopped Felicity at th' door as she wis dressed lik' a retard, whit a pity!

We had heard the socialite Kit Krawley could be found at the ultra fashionable club "La Forsu" so I stopped by a news stand to buy a magazine about her lifestyle and a copy of Entropy's latest album, then I caught the train to the club. The club was at the top of a two hundred foot tall tower and as I was still in my best clothes I was allowed in along with Uralie. The bouncers stopped Felicity at the door as she was dressed like a retard, what a pity!

Uralie a'maist jobby his-sel whin he realised he'd hae tae gang up 200 feet in an elevator whilk amused me na end, whit a fud! wance we steeped oot intae th' dancin 'twas ultra-posh wi' th' wealthy 'n' heich 'n' mighty aw weys. We wur kent by Nigel something or ither fae th' kirk, a trendy messages centre wha hoped tae gain th' patronage o' Uralie, blether aboot setting yer standards wee! He likelie juist wanted tae sook his boaby!

Uralie almost messed himself when he realised he had to go up 200 feet in an elevator which amused me no end, what a whimp! Once we entered, the club was very posh with the wealthy and high and mighty everywhere. We were recognised by someone called Nigel from The Church, a trendy shopping centre which hoped to gain the patronage of Uralie, talk about setting your standards low! He likely tust wanted to *** sexual act ***!

La Forsu wis split intae four sections lik' a cross wi' a swanky boozer in th' middle, thay even hud a bondage area fur th' kinky patrons. Ah ordered th' hardest dram aroond 'n' a'maist fell ower whin th' barman tellt me th' cost: 20cr! Jobby, ah kin hampden roar twa loads o' banging gear fur that muckle! Some bufty guy cried Tarquin cam ower 'n' we asked whaur we cuid fin' Kit 'n' surprise, surprise she wis in th' bondage area, clatty boot!

La Forsu was split into four sections like a cross, with a posh bar in the middle. They even had a bondage area for the kinky patrons. I ordered the strongest drink available and almost fell over when the barman told me the cost: 20cr! I could score lots of great drugs for that much! Some queer guy called Tarquin came over and we asked where we could find Kit, and surprise surprise, she was in the bondage area, dirty girl!

We fun her in a snug room oan a pretend throne surroondit by her flunkies a' dressed in bondage gear, th' glaikit boot did keek fuckable though. Efter playing aroond wi' her pet gimp (he liked a guid slapping) we git doon tae business. We wanted tae ken her "Glacier" supplier 'n' muckle tae mah surprise she gave up th' speirins fur gey wee - she wanted Deliah th' Destroyer tae say Kit chose her claes 'n' bits fur her, wummin ah? She tellt us that her agent Boab Pope wis th' Glacier supplier sae wi' oor business swiftly concluded ah stayed aroond fur annur dram 'n' a photie opportunity wi' Kit. Oan th' wey oot ah hud Uralie buy me anither dram fur 20cr 'n' efter a'd blootert it ah threw th' gless oan th' flair, weel that's whit ah aye dae at "The Pit", sae anythin' some foremaist class prick cam ower 'n' geezit that ah pay 50cr fur th' goosed gless, sae ah tellt Uralie ah wis broke 'n' he'd hae tae pay fur it 'n' th' pure mad dafty believed me, class!

We found her in a small room on a pretend throne surrounded by her flunkies and dressed in bondage gear, the stupid woman did look attractve though. After playng arround with her pet gimp (he liked a good slapping) we got down to business. We wanted to know her Glacier supplier and much to my surprise she provided the information for very little - she wanted Delilah the Destroyer to say Kit chose her clothes and accessories for her, women huh? She told us that her agent Bob Hope was the Glacier supplier so with our business swiftly concluded I stayed around for another drink and a photo opportunity with Kit. On the way out I had Uralie buy me another drink for 20cr, and after I drunk it I threw the glass on the floor, well that is what I do at The Pit, so anyway, some idiot came over and demanded I pay 50cr for the broken glass, so I said Uralie broke it and he would have to pay for it. the idiot believed me, class!

Ah thought noo wid be a guid time tae contact Deliah aboot th' deal we'd made wi' kit sae ah rang her apartment ainlie tae be greeted by her answering machine sae ah decided tae ring SLA HQ tae git in titch wi' her sqaud ainlie tae be tellt in na uncertain terms that SLA weren't a telephone exchange, cuid hae fooled me. Wance we reached th' ground wi'oot Uralie haein a pelter attck 'n' throwing up Felicity drove round to pick us up. She thought 'twas a funny idea tae pat lace oan mah sword 'n' armour sae ah thought it equally funny tae pat mah sword thro' th' side o' th' van. It turned oot that ah fucked th' electronics 'n' it wid cost 100cr tae fix, serves th' glaikit boot richt fur pissing me aff!

I thought now would be a good time to contact Deliah about the deal we made with Kit, so I rang her apartment only to be greeted by her answering machine, so I decided to ring SLA HQ to get in touch with her squad only to be told in no uncertain terms that SLA were not a telephone exchange, could have fooled me. Once we reached the ground without Uralie having a panic attack and throwing up, Felicity drove round to pick us up. She thought it was amusing to put lace on my sword and armour so I thought it equally amusing to put my sword through the side of the van. It turned out that I damaged the electronics and it would cost 100cr to fix, serves the stupid woman right for annoying me!

Boab Hawp cuid be fun at SLA HQ sae aff we gaed in th' shitmobile. Boab wis lanky, tanned 'n' good-looking 'n' a shit-heel o' coorse. We tellt him aboot his glacier connection 'n' he shored tae cut us in oan a deal. Ah cannae staun scumbags sae ah slapped him aroond a bawherr tae whilk he teuk stoatin offense. He did tell us though that a scientist by th' name o' Ralph Morrissey wis behind th' gear design. He said that Morrissey worked fur a middle echelon drug dealer cried Jack Montana who'd hired a local bunch o' mercenaries cried "Black Pig” tae protect Morrissey fae a lairge gang cried th' "Questas". He gave us Montana's hame address sae we gaed round tae pay him a visit, wha tolsd us we cuid fin' Morrissey in a warehoose near Cannibal Sector Twa. Parntly Uralie anf Felcity wur keen tae cut a deal wi' Montana ower th' distribution rights tae Glacier weel a'd soon bugger up thair the script!

Bob Hope could be found at SLA HQ so off we went in our van. Bob was lanky, tanned, good looking and and idiot of course. We told him about his Glacier connection and he offered us a cut in on the deal. I can not stand scumbags so I slapped him around a bit, to which he took great offense. He did tell us though that a scientist by the name of Ralph Morrissey was behind the drugs design. He said that Morrissey worked for a middle echelon drug dealer called Jack Montana who had hired a local group of mercenaries called "Black Pig" to protect Morrissey from a large gang called "Questas". He gave us Montana's home address so we went round to pay him a visit. He told us we could find Morrissey in a warehouse near Cannibal Sector Two. Apparently Uralie and Felicity were keen to cut a deal with Montana over the distribution rights to Glacier, well I would soon mess up their plans!

Cannibal Sector Twa whilk is essentially a huge dyke surrounding th' toon wi' muckle great guns pyntin oot intae na mans lands whaur maist o' th' mutants 'n' far, far worse ekk oot a miserable existence. We approched th' warehouse 'n' fun twa main entrances 'n' a side door whilk is th' yin thro' whilk we entirt th' building. At this point in th' proceedings a'd lik' tae offer mah humble 'n' heart-felt apologies tae Mr Slayer, ah kin hae inadvertently offended him by saying that he is prideful, noo whit ah meant tae say wis that he is stoatin 'n' steals pride in evertthing he does 'n' th' media teuk it completely oot o' context, sae bonny please, dinnae braw me!

Cannibal Sector Two is essentially a huge wall surrounding the city with very big guns pointing out into no mans land where most of the mutants and far, far, worse eek out a miserable existence. We approached the warehouse and found the main entrances and a side door which is the one through which we entered the building. At this point in the proceedings I would like to offer my humble and heart felt apologies to Mr Slayer, I may have inadvertently offended him by saying that he is prideful, now what I meant to say was that he is great and takes pride in everything he does and the media took it completely out of context, so pretty please, do not fine me!

We opened th' side door ainlie tae hae a grenade lobbed at oor faces. Felicty 'n' ah teuk th' brunt o' th' explosion 'n' ah charged in tae return th' favour, Uralie scalped yin wi' his sniper rifle 'n' Felicity threw a frag tae bugger thaim up some mair. Yin motherfucker survived juist lang enough fur me tae skewer him wi' mah bonny sword, och th' pain, th' pain! A corridor led onto a gantry surrounding a huge warehoose flair whaur dozens o' naked slaves wur toiling awa' manufactoring Glacier. We wur spotted by members o' th' Black Pig mercenaries wha opened fire oan us resulting in a pure mental 'n' deedly battle. I’m sorry tae say Uralie copped yin in th' heid whilk blew maist o' his disgustgn alien brains a' ower th' flair, fur fucks sake ah a'maist shat masell wi' laughter!

We opened the side door only to have a grenade thrown at us. Felicity and I took the brunt of the explosion and I charged in to return the favour, Uralie scalped one with his sniper rifle and Felicity threw a fragmentation grenade to hurt them some more. One of them survived just long enough for me to skewer him with my beautiful sword, oh the pain, the pain! A corridor led into a gantry surrounding a huge warehouse floor where dozens of naked slaves were toiling away manufacturing Glacier. We were spotted by members of the Black Pig mercenaries who opened fire on us resulting in a crazy and deadly battle. I am sorry to say Uralie was hit in the head which blew most of his disgusting alien brains all over the floor. I almost soiled myself with laughter!

Felicty 'n' masell charged th' twa naurby us 'n' made short wirk o' thaim efter we'd lifted thair heids fae thair spinal columns. They mercs 'boon us mist hae realised we wur a force tae be reckoned wi' 'n' did a runner goin awa us tae apprehend Morrissey, wha we fun cowering lik' a bawherr lassie in his affice. Ironically ah wis th' ainlie yin tae gie a bugger aboot Uralie's current predicament 'n' ah tried tae contact Laddie tae pat mah 1000cr intae his accoont, bit th' glaikit numpty didnae hae yin! ah tried tae ring thair offices bit didnae hae thair batch 'n' Morrissey wis aboot as muckle uise as a cock-flavoured lolly poap as he didnae even hae a telephone directory aboot th' steid. Sae ah tried SLA HQ ainlie tae be tellt fur th' seicont time th'day that thay weren't a telephone exchange. Sorry Uralie bit ah jalouse whin yer numbers up in mort tis weel 'n' truly up!

Felicity and myself charged the two near us and made short work of them after we had seperated their heads from their necks. The mercenaries around us must have realised we were a force to be reaconed with and fled, leaving us to apprehend Morrissey, who we found cowering like a little girl in his office. Ironically I was the only one to care about Uralie's current predicament and I tried to contact LAD to put my 1000cr into his account, but the idiot did not have one! I tried to call their offices but did not have their number and Morrissey was about as much use use as a penis flavoured lolly pop as he did not even have a telephone directory about the place. So I tried SLA HQ only to be told for the second time today that they were not a telephone exchange. Sorry Uralie but I guess when your number is up in Mort it is well and truly up!

Morrissey 'greed tae accompany us efter some "gentle" persuasion 'n' ah hoisted Uralie's corpse ower mah shuid 'n' dumped him intae th' back o' thwe van, wee did ah ken whit a jobby storm wis aboot tae descend upon us ower mah actions, opps!

Morrissey agreed to accompany us after some gentle persuasion and I hoisted Uralie's corpse over my shoulder and dumped him into the back of the van. We did not know what a huge storm was about to descend upon us over my actions, oops!

Catch up wi' me neist time fur annur thrilling installment ye premature ejaculations!

From page 23 of the evening edition of Mort Times

DEAD ZONE MEMBER GUNNED DOWN!

Uralie Darkshadow, a Wraith Raider and the only non human member of Dead Zone, was murdered earlier this evening by members of an illegal SoftCo called Black Pig Armaments who had been hired by the traitor Ralph Morrissey to protect his factory where the illegal soft drug known as “Glacier” was being produced.

Morrissey was apprehended by the rest of Dead Zone and now their many fans want retribution. SLA Industries always listens to its consumers and Morrissey will be appearing later today on Traitorhouse Terror to be executed in the protracted and entertaining manner which has made Traitorhouse Terror one of these most popular TV shows around.

“Dead Zone are awesome, especially Flipoff who is lovely,” gushed Kevin Catchpole, an employee at the Suds Milk Bar. “That scum Morrissey needs to be ripped apart by Carnivorous Pigs for killing Darkshadow!”

SHIVER Sergeant Oppenheimer of Westmore Downtown Sector told our reporter, “When we first heard that one of Dead Zone had been killed all the boys at Westmore HQ were hoping it was that retard Kurgen. We were all genuinely upset when we found out it was Darkshadow. He and Flipoff foiled a Dark Night plot that would have blown us all to kingdom come so we owe them our lives. I hope they flay that bastard Morrissey alive on TT!”

Our reporter tried to get a comment from Dead Zone financier, Tony Fury, but he lived up to his name and was furious when accosted. “Millions! F**king millions lost coz of that f**king idiot!” was all he screamed at our reporter before slamming the door to his office. We must have caught him at a bad time!

Entropy, whose spat with Darkshadow was one of the highlights of Delilah the Destroyer’s wedding, was allegedly overheard saying, “What? The maggot is dead? Shit! I gotta make a phone call. I wonder if I can get a refund from those guys I hired to....”

Darkshadow gave his life for the successful completion of the BPN, and he is a shining example of the dedication and loyalty shown to SLA Industries by all of its employees.