djmorton - SLA Industries

Does a'body read this jobby?
pairt fifteen o' th' Kurgen's journal

Hud ye ever hud yin o' they days whin everything goes wrong? weel a've juist hud yin. It stairted aff wi' me picking up mah bike 'n' riding ower tae Deliah's pad, she said guid day 'n' ah did mah best tae dingy her then decided tae catch up oan some relaxation. Whilst she wis aff oan a mission ah nosed aroond th' steid 'n' happened tae come o'er a bridle caird ah hadn't spotted afore. Ben it read: "congratulations, everything is aff tae plan signed, A" whit th' bugger is that a' aboot?

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Well I have just had one. It started off with me picking up my bike and riding over to Deliah's apartment. She said hello and I did my best to ignore her then decided to relax. While she was off on a mission I looked around the place and happened to find a wedding card I had not seen before. On it was written "Congratulations, everything is as to plan signed, A". What is that about?

Wance a'd rested ah rode aff tae SLA HQ tae coupon th' jobby storm tae come. Ah met up wi' th' rest o' Deadzone whllst noticing stares elicited fae nearby SLA operatives, did thay ken something ah didnae? ah thought it best tae drap some Alice 'n' spark up a Cop Guids, ah knew something unpleasent wis aboot tae drap oan mah heid fae a stoatin height! We teuk th' hurl tae Tony Fury's affice 'n' waited ootdoors 'til he tellt us tae come in, he didnae sound a happy bunny. Wance ben he tellt us tae sit, ah prefert o staun bit he repeated th' command 'n' sounded pissed sae ah decided tae tak' th' weight aff 'n' prepare masell fur whit wis tae come. He stairted aff by reprimanding Felicity oan th' damage tae th' Channel 50 waither van (by yers truly) 'n' howfur if keeked ill fur oor sponsorship 'n' then he turned tae me 'n' erupted lik' a volcano! various expletives wur shouted at me 'n' he tellt me howfur solid his jab wis, blah blah, whit a fud! Ah tried tae explain that as he wis a desk jockey he hud na idea howfur tough 'twas oot in th' field bit that didnae placate him instead he slammed a pice o' paper doon oan his desk saying 'twas mah termination order! mah security clearance wis bein' reset tae 10 'n' th' rest o' th' squad wur noo mah bosses 'n' if ah failed tae obey ony o' thair "orders" thay hud sla's authority tae shite me 'n' claim 2000cr ilk! mynd ye it cuid hae bin worse.

After I had rested I rode off to SLA HQ to face the big storm to come. I met up with the rest of Dead Zone while noticing stares from nearby SLA operatives. Did they know something I did not? I thought it best to take some Alice and light a Feel Good, I knew something unplesent was about to drop on my head from a great height! We took a ride to Tony Fury's office and waited outside until he told us to come in, he did not sound happy. Once in he told us to sit, I prefered to stand but he repeated the command and sounded upset so I decided to take the weight off and prepare myself for what was to come. He started off by reprimanding Felicity over the damage to the Channel 50 weather van (by myself) and how it looked bad for our sponsorship and then he turned to me and erupted like a volcano! Various expletives were shouted at me and he told me how hard his job was, blah blah, what a woman! I tried to explain that he was a desk jockey, he had no idea how hard it was in the field, but that did not placate him, instead he slammed a piece of paper down on his desk saying it was my termination order! My security clearance was being reset to 10 and the rest of the squad were now my superiors and if I failed to obey any of their orders they had SLAs orders to terminate me and claim 2000cr each! Mind you it could have been worse.

Fortunately th' Alice 'n' Cop Guids wur kicking in 'n' ah dozed thro' maist o' whit he said, indeed 'twas ainlie at this point that ah clocked a freish coupon in th' room, anither fuckling alien! bugger me! "it" gaed by th' name o' “Yolo Stormrunner”, an Ebon, yin o' they psychic types wi' a' thair mind-reading jobby. Ne'er trusted thaim masell, a bunch o' pumpin' weirdos if ye ask me, anyway he hud bin assigned tae oor group tae replace Uralie, sae at least he coudnae be ony worse! As he hadn't earned mah respect yit ah spent th' rest o' th' briefing making faces 'n' whispering obscenities under mah breath, "Yolo urrrgh!!" Efter Tony haes stopped haein a hert attack he gave us a freish BPN tae bugger up 'n' then gaed back tae masturbating ower a picture o' Duke maist likely. Th' newest BPN wis silver 'n' related tae th' media, lik' ah hud ony experience o' that! 'n' oor contact wis a "Derek Graefer". It heavy goin promoting some stupidly dear bits cried "Biokicks" (1500cr a pair! juist stick wi' combat bits 'n' ye cannae gang far wrong), discretion advised, noo that is funny!

Fortunately the Alice and Feel Good's were kicking in and I dozed through most of what was said, indeed it was at this point that I noticed a new face in the room, another *** expletive *** alien! *** Expletive ***! It went by the name of "Yolo Stormrunner", an Ebon, one of them psychic types with their mind reading powers. Have never trusted them myeslf, a bunch of wierdos if you ask me, anyway he had been assigned to our team to replace Uralie, at least he could not be any worse! As he had not earned my respect yet I spent the rest of the briefing making faces and whispering obscenities under my breath "Yolo urrrgh!!". After Tony had stopped having a heart attack he gave us a fresh BPN to mess up then went back to performing sexual acts over a picture of Duke most likely. The newest BPN was silver and related to the media, like I had any experience of that! Our contact was a Derek Graefer. It was promoting some stupidly expensive boots called Biokicks (1500cr a pair! Just stick with combat boots and you can not go far wrong), discression advised, now that is funny!

Graefer wis tae be fun at th' Casino change-hoose in Suburbia, nae a ill steid 'n' whilst we waited fur him Duke treatd me tae six whiskey shakes tthe boozer. Feeling pleasantly inebriated ah wis duin fur th' hours o' pointless discussion tae come. Greafer tellt us th' Biokicks promotion wis due tae tak' steid in twa days time this end eh the week at th' Merchandising March centre 'n' tae speak tae Jason Bannister aboot th' aw the info, sae aff we gaed bit nae afore ah chatted up Greafer's secretary: a middle aged cutie by th' name o' Gilian Mansfield, she tellt me tae pick a windae, yer leavin' o' coorse bit ah ken whin a wifie is playing solid tae git!

Graefer was to be found at the Casino Hotel in Suburbia, not a bad place, and while we waited for him, Duke treated me to six whiskey shakes at the bar. Feeling pleasantly inebriated I was ready for the hours of pointless discussion to come. Graefer told us the Biokicks promotion was due to take place in two days time at the end of the week at the Merchandising March Centre and to speak to Jason Bannister about the details, so off we went but not before I chatted up Graefer's secretary: a middle aged cutie called Gilian Mansfield. She told me to piss off of course but I knew when a girl is playing hard to get!

Th' messages centre wis pumpin' huge, eighteen stories heich wi' a tower tae boot 'n' mair shaps than ah cuid shoogle mah sword at, ah wis aboot tae check oot th' melee weapons department whin th' rest o' th' squad suggested we git oan wi' oor mission sae ah said "yes sur, na sur, three bags stowed oot sir!" 'n' aff we gaed. We talked wi' Jason Bannister, th' centre high heid yin wha seemed lik' a a brammer, ah chatted wi' him aboot oor ma fave gear 'n' he even shored me some Flip. Ah cuid hae chilled oot in his affice fur hours bit th' rest o' Deadzone soon spoiled ony fin ah micht hae by takin wae me up business. Thay need tae learn tae chill oot. Bannister said that th' Biokick campaign wantit tae establish a connection atween random killing 'n' SLA 'n' he emphasised nae tae uise explosives 'n' as ainlie homosexuals dae ah didnae hae a kinch wi' it. Feliciy micht bit she is an insult tae Frothers evertywhere! Th' event wis tae tak' steid in th' "Fitness Locker", a ground flair hain 'n' oor liason thare wid be a "Archibald Guessler". Sae we wur advertising agents noo, sae muckle fur bein' warriors, howfur ah lassy th' Ooter Rim Wars!

The shopping centre was very large, eighteen stories high with a tower as well and more shops than I could wave my sword at. I was about to check out the melee weapons department when the rest of the squad suggested we got on with the mission, so I said "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir!" and off we went. We talked with Jason Bannister, the mall head officer who seemed like a nice person. I talked with him about all my favourite drugs and he even offered me some Flip. I could have chilled out in his office for hours but the rest of Dead Zone soon spoiled any fun I might have by talking with me about business. They need to learn to chill out. Bannister said that the Biokick campaign needed to establish a connection between random killing and SLA, and he emphasised not to use explosives as only homosexuals do, so I did not have a problem with it. Felicity might but she is an insult to frothers everywhere! The event was to take place in the Fitness Locker, a ground floor store and our liason there would be Archibald Guessler. So we were advertising agents too, so much for being warriors, how I miss the outer rim wars!

Sae we wur led by oor noses again tae see Guessler. Ah wis shored a cup o' cuppa, whitevur th' bugger that wis, by Guessler's secretary while we waited tae see him. Ah tried a sip 'n' it tasted worse than Ebon spunk, bit Felicity bein' th' ultimate boot that she is ordered me tae finish it aff sae ah "accidently" spilled it oan th' flair ainlie tae hae anither cup hoisted oan me! this day wis definately up thare as oan o' mah wirst. His affice wis opulent tae say th' least 'n' ah soon clocked a mingin' fresco oan his ceiling depicting inter-alien orgies, whit a peely-wally, twisted, demented bugger! Ye cuid hae bund me wi a strae he didnae jump th newest addition tae oor group, Yolo, thare 'n' then. Guessler seemed happy fur us tae wirk oot th' nitty gritty behind th' Biokick campaign 'n' tellt us tae run any ideas bygane him fur approval. He said his heid o' security, Larry Anderson wid be at oor disposal 'n' a dwraf by th' name o' Mungo wha wis th' janitor. A dwarf?, bugger me, happy times ahead!

So we were lead by our noses again to see Guessler. I was offered a cup of cuppa, whatever that is, by Guessler's secretary, while we waited to see him. I tried a sip and it tasted awful, but Felicity being that sort of person, ordered me to finish it off, so I "accidently" spilled it on the floor only to have another cup hoisted on me! This day was definately up there as one of my worst. His office was oppulent to say the least and I soon noticed a horrible painting on the ceiling depicting inter species sex acts, what a sick, twisted, demented person! You could have tied me with a straw that he did not try to jump the newest member of our group, Yolo, there and then. Guessler seemed happy for us to work out the details behind the Biokick campaign and told us to run any ideas by him for approval. He said his head of security, Larry Anderson, would be at our disposal, and a dwarf called Mungo who was the janator. A dwarf? *** expletive ***, happy times ahead!

We left Guessler tae his alien pornography 'n' met Anderson wha seemed lik' a gallus guy. He explained tae us that th' centre hud twa basement levels - yin fur parking 'n' yin fur loading. We then cam tae tha highlight o' mah day, meetin Mungo! he wis a short big-headed mither numpty wi' lairge curls in his locks 'n' obviously th' best pairt o' him cam oot o' his dads boaby ower his maws bahookie! ah coudnae hulp bit tak' th' pish 'n' soon hud tae apologise whin ordered tae by Felicity, she's aye spoilng mah fin! We a' hud ideas as howfur tae promote biokicks, mines wis tae release a horde Carrion intae th' centre 'n' hae thaim sloch thair wey thro' th' punters, bit th' ithers though it tae "extreme", we eventually gaed wi' Yolo's idea o' huvin gang bangers rammy thair wey doon thro' th' floors tae git tae th' five free pairs o' Biokicks bits in th' Fitness Shack 'n' ah kin honetsly say it wasn't a totally jobby idea, even if it did come fae an alien!

We left Guessler to his alien pornography and met Anderson who seemed like a cool guy. He explained to us that the centre had two basement levels - one for parking and one for loading. We then came to the highlight of my day, meeting Mungo! He was a short, big headed person with curly hair, and obviously the best part of him to come out of *** disparaging remarks ***! I could not help but take the piss and soon had to apologise when ordered to by Felicity, she is always spoiling my fun! We had some ideas about how to promote Biokicks, mine was to release a horde of carion into the centre and have them eat their way through the customers, but the others thought that was a bit extreme, and we eventually decided to go with Yolo's idea of having gang members fight their way down through the floors to get the five free pairs of Biokick boots in the Fitness Shack, and I can honestly say it was not a totally bad idea, even if it did come from an alien!

While oor discussion ah spied a Shiver recruitment post 'n' asked thaim if thay knew aboot ony local gangs we cuid uise 'n' thay tellt us th' ainlie yin in th' sector wis cried th' "Mucho Locogangers" sae we gaed aff tae hae a blether wi' thaim. Macho Locos hung oot at a strip dancin 'n' brothel cried th' "Unidentified pussy", soonds a lot lik' Felicity's loue lee! thair leader wis a pure gallus guy by th' name o' "Rigo Loco", Duke tried tio sweet blether him, bit ah knowhow tae handle druggies, offer thaim some gear! ah tellt him ah hads th' lest ever doses o' "Glacier" 'n' wid haun him ower twe in exchange fur his co-operation, he wis impressed wi' mah no-nonsense wit ye hink 'n' 'greed. Jobby ah hud actually doen something useful fur a chnage, ah hawp ah nae comin' dane wi' something!

During our discussion I spotted a Shiver recruitment post and asked them if they knew about any local gangs we would be able to use, and they told us the only one in the sector was called the "Mucho Locogangers", so we went off to have a talk with them. The Macho Loco's hung out at a strip club and brothel called The Unidentified Pussy, sounds a lot like Felicity's love life! Their leader was a cool guy called Rigo Loco. Duke tried to sweet talk him, but I know how to handle drug addicts, offer them some drugs! I told him I had the last doses of Glacier and would hand over two in exchange for his cooperation. He was impressed with my no nonsense attitude and agreed. I had actually done something useful for a change, I hope I am not coming down with something!

That's it fur noo readers, be sure tae catch up wi' oor misadventures neist time. 'n' be sure 'n' tak' loads o' gear!